Letter From A Concerned Reader J. Mathrubootham

Respected Sir/Madam,

Hunger is going up and down my body like Allepey-Bokaro Express. At least Allepey-Bokaro Express will stop sometimes. My hunger? Nonstop.

Just five minutes back postman came and I opened the door and he was giving post. Suddenly from inside my stomach one Shankarabharanam type music started playing. And then it stopped. And both of us acted as if nothing happened. And then it suddenly started again. Postman said Mr. Mathrubootham is everything ok, kutcheri is coming from thoppai.

I said don’t worry Postman everything is fine, just little bit hungry, next time if you call stomach thoppai I will return your moonji to sender with this umbrella, get out of my house. Thoppai it seems. I am wearing 36 size pant since 1985. Bloody fool.

Actually sir/ madam, nothing in this house fine. All problems only.

All started two days back. Mrs. Mathrubootham and myself came back from Seniors Intermediate Yoga, and after taking bath, we came to dining room for breakfast. I was just about to put first piece of idli in my mouth when my son suddenly entered dining room like wisdom tooth enters mouth.

Excuse me what are you doing, he asked. Having breakfast, Mrs. Mathrubootham said.

Learning horse riding, I said, any questions?

My son came and immediately removed all the food items from the table. He said, you foolish people don’t want to live long and healthy? Or you just want to get cancer and cardiac arrest and stroke and all and die in two-three months?

I said, kanna, if you take idli from me without warning, somebody in this room will die within five minutes. Then don’t blame me. Mrs Mathrubootham told us to stop talking about dying and all, and asked my son to explain.

Sir/ madam, maybe you remember but my son is non-stop trying latest food and diet ideas from newspapers and magazines. Every two-three weeks he will have some new idea and he will destroy all the peace and quiet in our house. Why do you publish such articles? Instead of writing about politics and sports and demonetisation and all, why your esteemed publication is ruining retired people’s life with articles about coconut oil and Carbohydrate and Glucose and Paulose and all?

One day my son will read that coconut oil is poison. And then he will remove all coconut items from the house. Then two months later he will read article that coconut oil is superfood. And then he will order 30 kilos of coconut oil on Internet. After two days he will forget all about coconut oil. And then Mrs. Mathrubootham and myself only will have to eat nonstop to avoid money waste.

Sir/ madam, what and all we have tried in this house. Keto diet. Polio diet. Atkins diet. Juice diet. Any difference is there in health? Nothing. My son is still same, I am still same, Mrs. Mathrubootham anyway is like stick only. What is this black magic I don’t know. She can eat 10 kg kuzhipaniyaaram and not even one gram of fat will appear on body. How many times I have told her, why you are wasting this talent on vegetarian food?

Whether she will listen? She will not even touch mushroom. I told her, Kamalam mushroom grows in the ground only.

So why is Mr. Mathrubootham hungry? Sir/ madam latest diet is no eating before 12 o’clock or after 6 p.m. So I have to wake up in the morning, and then wait till lunchtime to have single piece of food. And then at 10 p.m. when I am in bed mind is full of dosa, adai, rose milk, caramel custard, gobi 65…

How many times I told my son, please do GRE or GMAT or something and go to U.S. Will he listen?

Maybe I should do GRE and go abroad. Is there any age limit?

Yours in total starvation, J. Mathrubootham.

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